Total Drama Comedy

Total Drama Comedy!

Alright, hi, I'm TotalDrama100, I'll be attempting a Total Drama comedy series. Every week or two, I'll upload a new story on this blog. Also, every story is non-canon unless it's part of a series.

Warning: This blog contains some mature elements that may not be for everyone. 

Gwen's Interview - Monday, December 9, 2013

This week's story, Gwen's interview! I'd like to thank my fellow friend Drfizwuz997xlol for giving some suggestions in this story.

Takes place between The Very Last Episode, Really and Total Drama, Drama, Drama, Drama Island.

Gwen, Leshawna, and Bridgette are trapped in a snow storm with Gwen's brother Damien and her lizards. Her parents are on the road trying to get home. All of sudden, Chris, Chef Hatchet, and a camera crew barge into her house. Under contract rules, the girls and Damien have no choice but to be interviewed.

  • Bridgette is on the phone with Geoff.

Bridgette: Oh, honey, why didn't come with us? It would been so much fun.

Geoff: Um, no thanks, you girls and your boring ways. The boys and I are partying non-stop at a local party zone!

Bridgette: We are not boring! In fact, we're having the time of our life over here! Makeup, parties, romantic movies, popcorn, junk food!

  • Gwen picks up her warm hot chocolate and sips it, looking at the snow falling in the window.

Gwen: Man, do you think this snow will ever stop? Mom could be stuck at traffic for maybe even the whole night!

Damien: How is that bad news? Party in the house! I'm gonna call Jacob.

Gwen: We have enough people already. There's not a lot of food in the fridge left. And Jacob could shovel that stuff down like a wolf.

Damien: Well if he's not going to eat it, than I will!

  • Damien examines the fridge and pulls out a carrot.

Damien: Is this all we have?

Geoff: What was that Bridge? It doesn't sound like a party to me. Anyways, later!

Bridgette: Wait no, Geoff!!

  • Geoff hung up on the phone leaving an irritated Bridgette.

Bridgette: Stupid Geoff and his wild parties. Who needs parties anyway?

  • The girls and Damien ignore her completely while Leshawna tries to cheer up Gwen.

Leshawna: Don't listen to him, sugar. Your mother will be home in a matter of-

  • Leshawna never got to finish the sentence as the front door was pushed open. In came Chris McLean, Chef Hatchet and his loonies.

Leshawna: Oh, hell no! Do not tell me we're the next victims of strip poker!

Chris: Hey, someone write that down will you! And Leshawna, you do realize that there's a nine year old boy here.

Damien: Hey! I'm twelve years old and a good five inches!

Chris: Whatever, little man. Anyways, I've come for an interview, from Gwen!

Gwen: No way McLean! When I was runner-up in that stupid show of yours, I was promised that the rest of my life would be Total Drama free. And now you want an interview? Well f*** the interview.

Bridgette: Yeah! Gwen refuses! And you have absolutely no right to barge in to her house and ask for an interview!

  • Chris pulls out a contract from nowhere.

Chris: Fine print! It says that I'm welcome into your house anytime! And refusal will result in a lawsuit. So choose wisely!

Leshawna: It does not say that!

  • Leshawna grabs the contract from Chris and skims it. After getting to the bottom, her face boils with anger and she crumples the contract into a ball.

Leshawna: We have no choice Gwen. You have to do the interview.

  • Gwen's face along with Bridgette, Leshawna and Damien, look like they might explode.

Chris: Alright people! Positions!

  • The camera crew starts setting up the equipment while Chris starts acting like Courtney.

Chris: Can't you people afford heat? Seriously, it's colder than the ice age in here.

Gwen: If you're going to do the interview, do it quickly. As in, NOW!

Chris: Sheesh, you've become more aggressive Gwen, what happened?

Chef: Um, Chris, if your done wasting time, we're on a tight schedule. According to this map, Mrs. Mason should be home by tomorrow at noon.

Chris: How is that a tight schedule? We have all night!!!!!!!!! And I brought some ex-contestants too!

Leshawna: All..... night? With Heather????

  • Leshawna's eye starts twitching in a manner that I'd rather not go into detail. Chris starts laughing like a madman as he introduces the former contestants.

Chris: Lets all give a warm welcome to Owen, Heather, Duncan, Geoff, Izzy, DJ, Lindsay, Trent, Courtney and last but definitely not least, EVA!

Gwen: WHY? Why would you bring EVA into my house? And Heather, and Courtney, and a criminal!

Chris: Oh nothing, just for your pure torture. They'll be spending the night also.

Heather: The night, HERE? In this rat's nest? With these mice? You are out of your mind.

Chris: Yeah, we knew some of you were going to try and escape so, we had to make drastic measures. CHEF!!!!

  • Chef begins to put a dozen locks on every door and replaces the windows with bullet proof maxi-glass. He then tells the contestants that the floor is frozen from the snow, so digging isn't an option. Afterwards he puts a bunch of bracelets on the contestants.

Courtney: Um, what the heck are these?

Chris: The things on your ankles are called Tracker Enforcers, they track your every move.

DJ: So they stalk us?

Chris: You could say that. The bracelets on your wrists are called Communication Watches, they allow me to communicate with you. And if you don't respond, they'll shock you!

Duncan: Ugh, basically electric handcuffs. They'll annoy you to death.

Chris: Yep, you'll be monitored 24/7 so keep that in mind! So today we were going to only interview Gwen, but after inviting you lot here, I'll be interviewing all of you!

Heather: Great, a night in dull-svile being interviewed. I'd rather be locked up in jail rotting to death.

Chris: Funny you mention that Heather, because today Chef will be a police officer. But for different reasons. Today the fourteen of you, including little junior here,

  • Chris gives Damien a noogie as he struggles to escape.

Damien: How many times do I have to tell you, I'm a TWELVE YEAR OLD and in the SEVENTH GRADE!

Chris: More like the second.

  • Chris pushes Damien down on a nearby couch as he finishes his sentence.

Chris: will be playing a game of Truth or Dare, or as I like to call it, Interrogation or Torture!

Geoff: Wait, so were going to be questioned?

Chris: Yes, Geoff. The rules are simple, the fourteen of you will be split onto two teams. One team goes first and sends out one victim uh, volunteer. They'll get the choice of interrogation or torture. If they choose interrogation, they'll be asked a personal embarrassing question. If they choose torture, then they'll have to complete a semi-dangerous dare chosen by the hat!

  • Chef brings out a black magician's hat. In it are several dozen cards.

Chris: Each one of these cards contain a challenge. Personally selected by me of course.

  • Everyone groans and moans.

Chris: If the member refuses to answer the question or complete the task, they'll be eliminated. It's an elimination process of course. We'll take a break at midnight for you guys to crash. But at sunrise you'll be expected to participate again! At noon, when Mrs. Mason comes back from her "vacation", the team with the most players left will receive a check for $10,000 dollars! Even if your team wins but you were eliminated, you won't receive the cash but you can't leave still! Oh, and a couple more things, once a person has completed a task, they can not compete again until every member of their team has participated. The teams will be based on gender. So girls vs. boys. Since we have one extra girl, Eva, you'll be on the boys side! Any questions?

Eva: Are you blind or something? I'm not a guy!

Chris: Yeah, yeah. Gwen?

Gwen: How is this suppose to be an interview? This sounds like a cheap way to bring us back for another challenge.

Chris: Well we'll be asking you questions and we are playing a game, so anymore questions?

  • Lindsay's hand shoots up in the air while Chris rolls his eyes.

Chris: Yes Lindsay? What is it? If possible, make it quick.

Lindsay: Well I understood the interview game, but I didn't understand this. Last thing I remember was that some big man knocked down my front door and dragged me by the elbows. He then threw me into a big black car, so who was that man? Was it the mailman? Did someone order a Lindsay? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

Heather: No Lindsay, it wasn't the mailman, it was Santa Claus. You know, from the north pole. Someone did order an extra idiotic Lindsay.

  • Lindsay begins jumping up and down screaming while Heather walks away from her, disgusted.

Chris: Alright, since they’re no more questions, let’s start the challenge. Now, is there a room in this hut that’s large enough for this challenge?

Damien: We don’t live in a hut! This is a house.

Chris: Look little man, you can deny it all you want. I just need a room!

Gwen: We could use the yoga room upstairs.

  • Everyone raises an eyebrow and turns to Gwen

Gwen: What? Can’t a family have a yoga room? It’s perfectly normal people.

Chris: Okay, to the yoga room?

  • Everyone follows Damien to the so called “yoga room.”

Trent: Hey Gwen, what’s up?

Gwen: Oh, hi Trent.

Trent: That’s it? Hi? What about some love babe? How come you didn't invite me to this “party” of yours?

Gwen: Oh, um, girls night out?

Trent: I don’t think so, Geoff told me that Bridgette offered him to come. Doesn't seem like a girl’s night out to me. It’s like your avoiding me.

Gwen: I’m sorry Trent, it’s just that ever since Total Drama Island, I've been dealing with a lot of stress. I don’t know who I am anymore. Does that make sense?

Trent: Sort of. If you want to find yourself than just be yourself. Today’s challenge involves the truth. Spill out the beans Gwen. Tell the truth. And besides, I’d love to know some of your secrets. Do you have any secrets Gwen? See you in the yoga room.

  • Gwen blushes slightly after Trent leaves.

Heather: Ugh, barf! This is worse than Eva’s pregnancy.

Gwen: Shut up Heather. Wait, Eva’s pregnant?

Heather: Of course not. What are you? Lindsay?

  • Heather than leaves as Gwen gets mad.

Heather: Hey Eva.

Eva: What do you want b***h?

Heather: Well, I just wanted to tell you that Gwen thinks your fat, ugly, and pregnant.

  • Heather's Communication Bracelet shocks her.

Heather: Ow! Stupid Chris and his torture devices.


Heather: Just thought that I’d let you know. Keep in mind that she’s on the opposite team.

  • Heather quickly leaves as she knows that a volcano will soon erupt.

Damien: Here we are. The yoga room!

  • Around the contestants were yoga mats, random magazines, cans of applesauce, and crumpled up pieces of paper.

Chris: This, is the yoga room?

Owen and Izzy: Applesauce!!

  • Owen and Izzy both dive for the long eaten applesauce.

Izzy: Hey Owen, have you ever tried showering in apple juice?

Owen: That would be awesome!!!

Courtney: Ewwww, you guys are disgusting. And besides wouldn't be sticky?

  • Before anyone could respond, Owen, Izzy, Courtney, and Heather’s bracelets all electrify the four.

Heather: Ow!!! You b******! I didn't even do anything!

Chris: Yeah, I just like to torment you. And no more chitty-chat! The sun has long gone down already, see.

  • Chris points his index finger to the window.

Gwen: Ahhhhhh. The stars. This would have been the perfect night to spend outdoors. But no, I’m forced to play a game of Interrogation or Torture.

Chris: Speaking of that game, maybe we can start it? Like now! Come on people, my mom and I are going to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse at four! And that's one of my favorite tv shows!

  • Everyone is on the floor laughing at Chris's early morning plans.

Duncan: Seriously man, you actually like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?

Chris: Whatever, we'll see who's laughing when the questions start rolling in. Okay people, everybody grab a chair, boys and Eva on the left,


Chris: and girls on the right!

  • Everyone goes to their positions as Chef and a camera crew comes in with a bunch of equipment.

DJ: What's this? Torture devices?????

Chris: Nope, it's our challenge equipment! Since I'm a true gentleman, ladies get to go first!

Bridgette: How is that fair?

Chris: Because I said so! Now who wants to go first? Mickey's on in ten hours!

Izzy: Oooooo, me!!!! Me, me, me, me, me!!!!!!! Pick me!!!!! I volunteer for interrogation!!!!!!!

Chris: Alright, when was the very first time you slept with Justin?

  • Izzy's face turns red as the contestants start laughing.

Izzy: I would never date that slug!

  • Izzy's Communication Bracelet electrocutes her.

Izzy: Owwwwwwww! What was that for??

Chris: Oh, I forgot to tell you that those Communication Bracelets are also lie detectors, so don't lie. And since you did, you're out!

Courtney: That's not fair! You said if someone refuses, not if they get it wrong!

Chris: Well, I'm changing the rules. From now on, if you lie or do not complete the dare, you'll be eliminated! Now, the girls are down to six. Izzy go sit in the corner over there!

Izzy: Ahhhhhh, man.

Chris: Boys, it's your turn.


Gwen: What?!

Chris: Um, lets not do that, okay. How about interrogation instead?

Eva: Whatever, I don't lie.

Chris: Who was your very first boyfriend?

  • Eva's face gets very red as the contestants start laughing.


Chris: Just answer it, and don't lie!

Eva: I NEVER HAD ONE!!!!!!!!!

  • Eva's Communication Bracelet electrocutes her. Chris rolls his eyes at Eva as she heads for the corner with Izzy.

Eva: I'm so ashamed.

Chris: You should be, I thought you hated liars. So, who's the special someone? Answer wisely or else your Communication Bracelet will shock you!

Eva: Wait a minute, electric shocks are caused by lying and Heather received a shock in the hallway! THAT LYING WITCH!

Heather: Damn it!

  • Heather begins to curse under her breath while Chris tallies the results.

Chris: The teams are even with six members each! Girls, it's your turn.

Every girl except Heather: Heather!!

Heather: Ugh, traitors. I choose torture, there's no way you're getting any secrets out of me.

  • Chris pulls the first card out from the hat and reads it.

Chris: Your dare is too...........get a tattoo with Harold and Leshawna kissing on it!

  • Heather gasps as she learns her task.

Leshawna: My face, on that skinny girl's arm? No way!

Chris: What's it going to be Heather? Earn $10,000 or leave cashless?

Heather: This is Lindsay's dare all over again!

  • Chef begins to near the tattoo machine to Heather's arm. The moment it touches her arm, she kicks Chef in his stomach, knocking the machine on her bald head. It leaves a question mark tattoo as Heather runs out of the yoga room, screaming.


  • The contestants laugh at Heather's second misfortune as Chris orders Chef to hunt Heather down. Leshawna goes as far to roll on the floor laughing like a maniac.


Chris: Alright people, calm down, here's Chef with Heather!

  • Heather is struggling and cursing like crazy.

Heather: PUT ME DOWN YOU B******!!!!

  • Chef puts Heather down while she begins a rampage on Chris.


  • Heather points to the question mark tattoo on the top of her head.

Chris: Do you realize how painful removing a tattoo is? Just ask Chef on when he had to remove his unicorn tattoo.

  • Chef's face begins to turn redder than a tomato.

Chef: Chris, man, I thought we agree to never speak about that again!

  • Chris was about to respond but Heather beat him to it.


  • Heather leaves the yoga room instantly while Geoff and DJ comfort Damien.

Geoff: It's okay little guy, she's always like that.

DJ: Yeah, and besides it doesn't smell that bad.

All of the girls: YES IT DOES!!!!

  • Damien starts laughing and steps towards Chris.

Damien: I'll go next! And I choose torture!

Chris: Are you sure? After what happened to Heather?

Damien: I can take it! Trust me!

Chris: Alright, don't say I didn't say so though.

  • Chris begins to pull out a card from the hat while Gwen warns him.

Gwen: Good luck Damien! If it's too dangerous than just quit!

Damien: No way sis! I'm gonna buy a moon bounce with that ten grand!

  • Gwen raises an eyebrow as Chris finally pulls out a card.

Chris: Your dare is too...........decorate Eva's face with makeup!!!!

  • Gwen begins to pull her hair out, cursing.

Eva: I don't do makeup kid. And since I'm out, why should I?

Chris: Fine, if you participate in this dare, then if your team wins, you'll receive the cash.

  • Eva's eyes widen and she eagerly nods. Chef begins to bring a suitcase full of makeup and hands it to Damien.

Chef: Every girls dream; eyeliner, foundation, concealer, powder, blush, bronzer, eye shadow, mascara, lipstick, lip gloss, and lip balm.

Damien: So which one's which?

Chef: Ugh, you figure it out kid, I've got a bald tattooed mentally unstable sixteen year-old girl to hunt down. Do you really think I have time to give makeup tips to a twelve year old boy? Crazy. Besides that girl must have forgotten about her Tracker Enforcer. This will be a piece of cake.

  • Chef pulls out his Tracker Enforcer Locator and begins reading it.

Chef: According to this, it says Heather is in this very room.

  • Chef then looks down at his ankles to see a pair of Tracker Enforcers.

Chef: Ahh, mustard. That girl must have put these on me when I grabbed her. How she'd got them off is question. She's going to pay, no one tricks Chef Hatchet!

  • Chef leaves for Heather, leaving Damien dumbfounded.

Eva: Do it quick, let's get this over with. And don't put too much on my face. GOT THAT?

  • Damien gives a quick nod.

Chris: If anyone gives Damien a clue, that person and Damien will both will eliminated.

Lindsay: Damien, use the concealer first! It'll cover up that mole on her face!

  • The girls all face palm and the boys laugh uncontrollably.

Chris: Lindsay, did you not hear a word I said? Anyways, you and Damien are out! Lets see, four girls and five guys left! Ugh, great, less than half of you have been eliminated. This is going to be a long night.

Owen: Um, Chris, can we please a break? I'm haven't eaten in forty-five minutes!

  • Everyone rolls their eyes at Owen's complaint.

Chris: Relax Owen, once they're seven people left, then we'll take a break for the night. But you people need to be challenged more!

Gwen: Challenged more? Every person that volunteered got eliminated thanks to your stupid rules.

Chris: Well it's not my fault these people are weaklings. Anyway, girls, who's next?

Leshawna: Shawnie! I choose interrogation! There's nothing Shawnie would lie about!

Chris: Really? Well take this! How old are you really?

  • Leshawna's face starts to sweat uncontrollably. Everyone is whispering to their friends on why Chris would ask that.

Leshawna: Ummm, sixteen?

  • Leshawna's Communication Bracelet electrocutes her. Everyone gasps as they learn that Leshawna isn't really sixteen.

Duncan and Courtney: How old are you?

  • Duncan gives Courtney an air kiss while Courtney blows a raspberry at him.

Leshawna: I'm actually twenty-four.

  • Everyone gasps even more as they learn Leshawna's real age.

Gwen: You're twenty-four?

  • Leshawna gives her an ashamed nod.

Chris: This is definitely the biggest shocker of the night! Wait a minute, you're not married are you?

  • Leshawna goes from embarrassed to furious.

Leshawna: Of course not! I'm only twenty-four!

  • Chris waits for the shock, but nothing happens.

Chris: (Sigh), I guess not. But you're still out Leshawna! Girls you need to catch up, you only have three people left. Boys, who's next?

Duncan: You know what, everyone that volunteered are weak. But I'm not, and I'm going to prove that. So I'll choose...

Courtney and Gwen: Interrogation.

  • Courtney gives Gwen a death glare while Gwen returns with a shut-it face.

Duncan: Um, why?

Courtney: Because I barely know anything about you Duncan! Give me some secrets!

Duncan: Fine, but just this once, and just for you.

  • Courtney blushes while Chris gives out a question.

Chris: Finally, Duncan. Since you made fun of my liking for Mickey Mouse Clubhouse,

Duncan: It's a show, aimed for THREE YEAR-OLDS! And it's not even that good.

Chris: Whatever. What's your favorite show then Mr. Tough?

  • Duncan begins to sweat at this question, while Gwen and Courtney can barely their excitement.

Duncan: Psychopaths on the Loose!

  • Duncan's Communication Bracelet electrocutes him.

Duncan: (While crying) Fine, Handy Manny.

  • Courtney and Gwen roll on the floor laughing like lunatics.

Chris: HAHA, and you thought Mickey was embarrassing. Well take that Mr. Tough! You're out!

  • Duncan walks to the corner, ashamed.

Chris: Congratulations on making it to the halfway point! You're reward is the night off!

  • Everyone starts cheering.

Owen: DINNER!!!!!!!

  • Owen's so excited he puts Trent in a death grip.

Trent: Can......'

  • DJ and Geoff eagerly high five and Geoff takes off his hat, waving it around like in the talent show.

Gwen, Bridgette, and Courtney: Whooohooo!

  • Everyone cheers are cut off short when Chef comes in the yoga room, with Heather on his shoulder eating a carrot.

Chef: Found her hiding in the pantry, nibbling on a carrot she found. She's seriously unstable.

Heather: Put me down! I was hungry, is this house's food supply a mere carrot? If it is, you're more poor than I thought you were Gwen.

Gwen: You know, that carrot was the only food left in this house.


Heather: Whatever, you're just jealous that-

  • Heather never got to finish her sentence as Chef had injected a needle into her forearm.

Heather: AHHHHHHHHH! What kind of torture now????!!!!!!!

Chef: Since a regular Tracker Enforcer wasn't enough for you, I've decided to upgrade, TO A TRACKER ENFORCER ULTIMATE!!!!

  • Heather looks at her forearm and sees it glow blue.


Chef: Oooooo, that's painful girl. They're three ways. Number one, the safe way. JUST LEAVE IT IN THERE! Number two, the fancy rich way. Get it surgically removed. And my personal favorite, number three, the old fashioned way. Stab it with a knife and try to dig it out. Careful not to disrupt any veins or lose any blood. A lot of people have died that way.


  • Heather kicks Chef in the groin and takes a bite from the carrot. She then spits the carrot at Chef and shoves the rest of it in his mouth.


  • Heather leaves the yoga room with the contestants falling close behind.

Trent: Whoa, someone's mad.

Gwen: More mad than Eva?

Trent: Well, not that mad.

  • They both laugh while Courtney confronts Duncan.

Courtney: You, are going to make me dinner.

Duncan: Whoa, whoa princess. I ain't no chef. And besides, you heard what Gwen said, there's no food left.

  • Courtney whips out a container from her backpack. She then opens the tray, revealing a can of hummus, turkey, lettuce, tomato, a few slices of cheese, a tortilla, and a bottle of vitamin water.

Duncan: Ummm,

Courtney: I'm not done yet.

  • Courtney whips out a second container from her backpack. She opens the tray, revealing lettuce, chickpeas, cottage cheese, butternut squash dressing, strawberries, blueberries, yogurt, apples and peanut butter. She hands Duncan the containers.

Courtney: You know what to do,

  • Courtney then begins to whisper in Duncan's ear

Courtney: And it make it good.

  • Courtney then leaves, leaving a mesmerized Duncan.